Feeding Frenzy: Barracuda vs. Super Douche

While out at a local bar, I encountered what I can only describe as a "Pick Up Artist" pseudo-protégé. I avoid eye contact, sip my pint and cease any body language that could be construed as “inviting”. It doesn’t work. Moments later, this sad, little grub of a man approached me with overly-inflated confidence and his ego tucked in his back pocket. Unfortunately for him, I was feeling particularly short of patience.

He was wearing a tight, paper thin vintage t-shirt (a boy's size 4T, I'm guessing) and his highlighted hair was carefully spiked with $30 gel. His statuesque 5'7", overly tan build stood proudly in $200 jeans and he sidled himself up next to my bar stool.

Initiate eyeroll reflex…game on.

"Hey, I need a female's opinion on something."

I nearly snorted beer through my nose…then immediately looked for hidden cameras and that lanky asshat in a fur fedora who calls himself 'Mystery.'

"Of course you do. What ever for?" (blatant sarcasm went undetected by Super Douche)

"Who lies more – girls or guys?"

Are you fucking serious…

My initial response…(blink) "Really?"

"Ya, seriously. Who do you think lies more?"

(Insert strategic pregnant pause.)

"I don't think the propensity to lie is gender specific."

His turn. (blink) Confusion sets it. "Uh…ok. Well that's a safe answer."

"Really? How so? I thought it was a perfectly legitimate answer to a completely vague question."

"So you don't have an opinion?"

"I just gave you one."

"That's not REALLY an opinion."

"Interesting. What would constitute a real opinion? In your opinion of course."

"Well, for instance I think guys are better liars than girls."

"That wasn't your question."

"Huh?"

"That's not what you asked. You asked who lied more, not who was more talented at it."

(blink) "You're mean."

"Riiight. Of course I am." (eyeroll commencing)

"Anyways, how you ladies doin’ tonight? Having fun?"

"Oh...I am now."